Several that have read my last post or know about what I've been facing recently with my health have asked me how our follow up appointment went on Friday. The easiest way for me to keep all of you who have been praying up to date is my blog. I don't have to worry about loading down news feeds and only those who want to know will click to read this. I don't want people to feel obligated to read but with so many people asking and an overwhelming amount of messages and texts, this is just easier. I also write this humbly, asking you to continue to pray for me and be my prayer warriors.
If you read the last blog post, you will know that my blood test (CA125) did not point to the mass on my ovary being Cancer. On Friday we went for a follow up ultrasound in which this mass didn't grow any larger. As most of us know, and the doctor reiterated, "bad" things almost always grow and mine has reduced in size by a mm or two so he feels strongly that this isn't cancerous. God deserves the praise in that part of all of this. My situation while disheartening to me, could be so much worse! I praise him for that!
With all of that being said, the mass has not really shrank as much as the doctor had hoped and I'm still dealing with some pain issues as I had before. Pain is one of those things that I've never really dealt well with. I'm a wimp I guess you could say. I try not to show the daily struggle I go through with back cramps and stomach pain, or the ugliness I feel wearing elastic on a daily basis. It's depressing. I don't want to seem like a baby...or "woe is me". Lately, the pain affects me more mentally than physically. The other part of this that is frustrating is the aspect of no strenuous activity...no pushing, no pulling, no lifting...just keeping life boring so to speak in order to prevent a rupture and emergency surgery. It's beginning to mess with my head and I wonder some days if the madness will ever end. Then I think of those who go through much worse and their resilience inspires me and helps me see how minuscule what I'm going through is compared to others...so I just keep it to myself mostly and find myself praying for those sick and hurting at a much greater level than I. God works is unique ways sometimes. Turning what I am going through into compassion and concern for others.
So....Because I am uncomfortable and still in pain, paired with the fact that this mass is still very large and not going away as hoped, I was given some options.
Option 1: I have surgery in the next few days, get the mass removed along with the ovary and tube it is attached to.
OR
Option 2: Push the surgery date out a few weeks and ultrasound a few days prior to see if by chance it has shrank or disappeared in these next 2 weeks.
I sat there after being presented with my options and thought of the pros and cons. I thought of my work schedule,my new sweet students who need their teacher, my family who needs me well,my hopes, my fears, it's actually hard to believe I thought of so much in the five minutes I had to make my decision. In the end however, I'm just not mentally prepared yet to have a surgery of this magnitude and with so much unknown without giving myself a couple more weeks and also giving God a couple more weeks to dissolve this issue if it's in his will. I believe that whatever happens is in his plan and it will be okay, whatever happens.
In two more weeks if my ultrasound shows that the mass is significantly smaller, I can easily cancel the surgery. If it isn't, I will be having surgery on Friday, September 18th. The surgery will remove the mass and the ovary (due to the lack of healthy tissue I have left on the ovary) and possibly the Fallopian tube. Its hard to say what the surgery will or could entail he said until he gets in there. I could have one week recovery or 6-8 weeks recovery...it just depends on the extent of the surgery. The unknown is what I fear most.
I also worry about my fertility. Eventually, I would like another child, so the surgery will reduce my fertility, which is something I also have to think about. Again, I think of those who are unable to have any children, and I'm humbled that God allowed me to have my precious daughter. She is a blessing and for her I am thankful. If God doesn't see fit for me to have another, that's also part of his plan and one I must accept. Whether or not another child is in my future, I have one here I must be healthy enough to raise and care for, and that is my utmost responsibility.
So...again....I know I sound like a broken record...but continue to pray. Pray for God's will. Pray for grace, peace, and understanding the next few weeks. And again, I write this post humbled and in awe of the number of people who have been waiting and praying with me the last few weeks and the number of people who have reached out concerned on Friday and this weekend. You will never know what your prayer and thoughts have meant and continue to mean.
Have a wonderful week! God bless each of you!
-Courtney