I have really struggled with whether or not to share this post. I thought about it most of the day. On one hand, I felt people would think I was "oversharing" my life or some would think I wanted pity or sympathy. On the other hand, I feel that God deserves some praise today. He is worthy of me sharing my story because it wouldn't be the story it is today if he was not the focus of my life right now. I also believe that there may be someone who reads this that is discouraged and disheartened. Let this be a testimony of my faith, an account of the amazing God that we serve, and a hope for someone else who needs to lean on him.
A long story will be made short because honestly I don't have the energy tonight to write out the whole account. Here is an abbreviated account of events....a timeline of the last week if you will.
Monday 8/3 I went to the ER late on this night because of a very intense pain in my abdomen. What I thought was possibly gall bladder or appendicitis turned out to be a "mass" in my pelvis. Not a cyst as I'm used to hearing, but a mass. This spiraled my already anxious self into a whirlwind of emotion and worry. I was referred to an OB-GYN
Tuesday 8/4 The doctors office called me and set up an appointment for me.
Wednesday 8/5 - Wednesday 8/12 ......waiting.....pain.....more waiting....anticipation of follow up appointment.
AND this brings us to the actual appointment I had yesterday, the follow up to the ER visit, which was at 1:45. I sat nervously in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called. I had asked the ladies from church, several prayer warriors that I have in my family and close friends, to pray for me at my appointment time. It may just be me, but sometimes when you ask for prayer, you wonder who really remembers, or who really prays for you. My phone had to be silenced as I sat in the waiting room because I kept receiving text after text from those people I had asked to pray...."We are praying!" "God has this!" "We are behind you!" "Let us know! Praying!". The messages did my heart good and I knew that people were praying. God WAS in this. He had to be.
After an exam, a look at the ER CT scan from the previous week, and an additional in office ultrasound, the doctor explained to me what this "mass" was. This rather large monster was a tumor. Not a small one, but one a little larger than a grapefruit, inside of my right ovary. So large in fact that my ovary no longer has any healthy tissue, it has completely engulfed it. The word tumor is pretty scary...but not as scary as the next few words that were uttered from this doctor's mouth. He explained to me that he needed to do blood work, specifically a CA-125 test, which he went further to explain, measures the protein in your blood specific to ovarian cancer. If these blood tests came back elevated, this tumor stood a large chance of being ovarian cancer. CANCER. No matter how I rolled the word around in my head, it still sounded the same....terrifying. You hear the word almost daily it seems these days. But the difference is that I always hear it in correlation to someone ELSE'S body..not mine. I know the color drained from my face as I fought back the tears. Unfortunately, the doctor didn't stop there...I had to push past the last few words in order to make myself hear what else he had to say. He then went on to tell me that this monster inside of me was so large, that it had built walls within itself, was dangerous to my body, and possibly would cause me to lose my ovaries. The first hurdle however, was to determine whether or not this was in fact ovarian cancer or not. The question he asked me was...."Do you want any more children?" Again...anyone who knows me, also knows how adamant William and I are about not having any more children. Mama always says, never say never. It's funny how when you think a choice may be taken from you, you suddenly change your mind. I thought for a second, and then told him I wasn't absolutely sure, but I may possibly want more. He said okay then....I'm going to try my best to make that a possibility. After much conversation, we decided instead of going in and removing the tumor immediately and losing my ovary or ovaries, we would wait for the blood test results first. Should the results be normal, we will wait two weeks, do a repeat ultrasound, and if the tumor is still the same size or larger, we would need to do the surgery to remove the tumor and ovary. However, there is a small chance it could begin to shrink and if so, surgery may not be necessary. The cherry on top: In the meantime, I had orders to be extremely careful..."don't even lean over a railing" he said. The chance of this thing rupturing my ovary is high for the next two weeks because of it's size, so no lifting, no pushing or pulling, very light physical activity only. Yeah right...I have a three year old.
So...with ALL of that information.......I walked to the car. I can't really explain what I was feeling. I wasn't just worrying about one thing but TWO. Cancer...and the inability to have any more children.
I walked in the front door at home and completely fell apart. I felt so hopeless. I felt angry....scared, worried, overwhelmed. I answered the million messages and texts asking about the visit, fixed supper for my family, and got ready for church...all the while wiping tears back and struggling to keep myself together.
I eased into my pew at church and tried to focus on the Lord, tried to focus on the amazing service we had at church. It was a service of thankfulness and praise, many testimonies and people praising the Lord. I sat throughout the service with tears staining my face and feeling so burdened and overwhelmed. I had so much I could have thanked him for, but my heart was so discouraged. I felt broken hearted. At the end of service, the ladies at church took my hand, and led me to the altar and while I'm not sure how many people were praying around me, it felt like the whole church. Tears stained my skirt as those behind me cried with me. My hands were held so tightly by those ladies I've come to love and cherish friendships with. My husband at my side, I laid it all down on that altar. I gave it to God and left it in his hands. I walked out of that place with a peace over me I didn't walk in with. While I was still worried, it wasn't a hopeless feeling anymore. Where there is GOD there is HOPE.
Today, I got a phone call from the doctor's office. My blood test revealed PERFECT findings. The levels were exactly as they should be. The doctor is not concerned that this mass is cancerous. I immediately thanked my Lord. I praised him for giving me this news. I truly believe the prayers of those warriors I called on and my church family helping me pray so wholeheartedly last night, made a difference. I let everyone I could know my news and they rejoiced with me. I can't describe the feeling of knowing that LORD did this. HE is the one responsible.
I'm not completely out of the woods yet...my next prayer is that this tumor will be gone or dwindled away in two weeks. My hope is that, my ability to have children will not be taken away from me just yet. I still need prayers over the next couple of weeks but knowing that I do not have the dreaded "C" word that so many others have had to battle, has eased my worries and fear. A burden was lifted today, and we will cross this next hurdle in two weeks.
Now....all of that was to say this.....GOD IS ABLE. He is the healer of all healers. He is the great physician. He is powerful and listens to the prayers of his people. I truly believe this to be a test of my faith. Will I lean on him and keep him by my side or will I lose my faith in this test? He is revealing himself to me in miraculous ways this week and I can never thank him enough for what he is doing. I know he is building my testimony and growing me in my faith. I know so many who are dealing with things much worse, where there seems to be no hope. Please know there is HOPE in the Lord. He will see you through your darkest times. God is good all of the time and all of the time God is good. Just keep him close, come to know him, and trust him with your burdens.
A long story will be made short because honestly I don't have the energy tonight to write out the whole account. Here is an abbreviated account of events....a timeline of the last week if you will.
Monday 8/3 I went to the ER late on this night because of a very intense pain in my abdomen. What I thought was possibly gall bladder or appendicitis turned out to be a "mass" in my pelvis. Not a cyst as I'm used to hearing, but a mass. This spiraled my already anxious self into a whirlwind of emotion and worry. I was referred to an OB-GYN
Tuesday 8/4 The doctors office called me and set up an appointment for me.
Wednesday 8/5 - Wednesday 8/12 ......waiting.....pain.....more waiting....anticipation of follow up appointment.
AND this brings us to the actual appointment I had yesterday, the follow up to the ER visit, which was at 1:45. I sat nervously in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called. I had asked the ladies from church, several prayer warriors that I have in my family and close friends, to pray for me at my appointment time. It may just be me, but sometimes when you ask for prayer, you wonder who really remembers, or who really prays for you. My phone had to be silenced as I sat in the waiting room because I kept receiving text after text from those people I had asked to pray...."We are praying!" "God has this!" "We are behind you!" "Let us know! Praying!". The messages did my heart good and I knew that people were praying. God WAS in this. He had to be.
After an exam, a look at the ER CT scan from the previous week, and an additional in office ultrasound, the doctor explained to me what this "mass" was. This rather large monster was a tumor. Not a small one, but one a little larger than a grapefruit, inside of my right ovary. So large in fact that my ovary no longer has any healthy tissue, it has completely engulfed it. The word tumor is pretty scary...but not as scary as the next few words that were uttered from this doctor's mouth. He explained to me that he needed to do blood work, specifically a CA-125 test, which he went further to explain, measures the protein in your blood specific to ovarian cancer. If these blood tests came back elevated, this tumor stood a large chance of being ovarian cancer. CANCER. No matter how I rolled the word around in my head, it still sounded the same....terrifying. You hear the word almost daily it seems these days. But the difference is that I always hear it in correlation to someone ELSE'S body..not mine. I know the color drained from my face as I fought back the tears. Unfortunately, the doctor didn't stop there...I had to push past the last few words in order to make myself hear what else he had to say. He then went on to tell me that this monster inside of me was so large, that it had built walls within itself, was dangerous to my body, and possibly would cause me to lose my ovaries. The first hurdle however, was to determine whether or not this was in fact ovarian cancer or not. The question he asked me was...."Do you want any more children?" Again...anyone who knows me, also knows how adamant William and I are about not having any more children. Mama always says, never say never. It's funny how when you think a choice may be taken from you, you suddenly change your mind. I thought for a second, and then told him I wasn't absolutely sure, but I may possibly want more. He said okay then....I'm going to try my best to make that a possibility. After much conversation, we decided instead of going in and removing the tumor immediately and losing my ovary or ovaries, we would wait for the blood test results first. Should the results be normal, we will wait two weeks, do a repeat ultrasound, and if the tumor is still the same size or larger, we would need to do the surgery to remove the tumor and ovary. However, there is a small chance it could begin to shrink and if so, surgery may not be necessary. The cherry on top: In the meantime, I had orders to be extremely careful..."don't even lean over a railing" he said. The chance of this thing rupturing my ovary is high for the next two weeks because of it's size, so no lifting, no pushing or pulling, very light physical activity only. Yeah right...I have a three year old.
So...with ALL of that information.......I walked to the car. I can't really explain what I was feeling. I wasn't just worrying about one thing but TWO. Cancer...and the inability to have any more children.
I walked in the front door at home and completely fell apart. I felt so hopeless. I felt angry....scared, worried, overwhelmed. I answered the million messages and texts asking about the visit, fixed supper for my family, and got ready for church...all the while wiping tears back and struggling to keep myself together.
I eased into my pew at church and tried to focus on the Lord, tried to focus on the amazing service we had at church. It was a service of thankfulness and praise, many testimonies and people praising the Lord. I sat throughout the service with tears staining my face and feeling so burdened and overwhelmed. I had so much I could have thanked him for, but my heart was so discouraged. I felt broken hearted. At the end of service, the ladies at church took my hand, and led me to the altar and while I'm not sure how many people were praying around me, it felt like the whole church. Tears stained my skirt as those behind me cried with me. My hands were held so tightly by those ladies I've come to love and cherish friendships with. My husband at my side, I laid it all down on that altar. I gave it to God and left it in his hands. I walked out of that place with a peace over me I didn't walk in with. While I was still worried, it wasn't a hopeless feeling anymore. Where there is GOD there is HOPE.
Today, I got a phone call from the doctor's office. My blood test revealed PERFECT findings. The levels were exactly as they should be. The doctor is not concerned that this mass is cancerous. I immediately thanked my Lord. I praised him for giving me this news. I truly believe the prayers of those warriors I called on and my church family helping me pray so wholeheartedly last night, made a difference. I let everyone I could know my news and they rejoiced with me. I can't describe the feeling of knowing that LORD did this. HE is the one responsible.
I'm not completely out of the woods yet...my next prayer is that this tumor will be gone or dwindled away in two weeks. My hope is that, my ability to have children will not be taken away from me just yet. I still need prayers over the next couple of weeks but knowing that I do not have the dreaded "C" word that so many others have had to battle, has eased my worries and fear. A burden was lifted today, and we will cross this next hurdle in two weeks.
Now....all of that was to say this.....GOD IS ABLE. He is the healer of all healers. He is the great physician. He is powerful and listens to the prayers of his people. I truly believe this to be a test of my faith. Will I lean on him and keep him by my side or will I lose my faith in this test? He is revealing himself to me in miraculous ways this week and I can never thank him enough for what he is doing. I know he is building my testimony and growing me in my faith. I know so many who are dealing with things much worse, where there seems to be no hope. Please know there is HOPE in the Lord. He will see you through your darkest times. God is good all of the time and all of the time God is good. Just keep him close, come to know him, and trust him with your burdens.