Then Job arose, and rent his mantle and shaved his head and fell down upon the ground and worshipped. And said, naked came I out of my mothers womb and naked shall I return to thither, the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the same of the Lord. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. - Job 1:20-22
It's been awhile since I've written. Maybe because it was too painful to write. Perhaps because time has been fleeting, or possibly because of fear. Once the words are written, they become real. They can't be denied or swept away. This post will probably be one of the hardest ones I've written to date. You won't see the tears that are cried as I write. You won't hear my prayers to God as I type. You won't necessarily feel the emotions of my heart as I share my testimony of faith with you. But I pray that you are changed as you read. I pray that you are comforted in your storm as you feel your way through my post. I pray you too can become a Job.
Job is a pretty remarkable man in the bible. I honestly had never read very much of the book of Job but it truly is an amazing book to read, especially when you are experiencing hardships or struggle. I haven't been able to get away from it the past few months. The first chapter pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the book. All you need to know about Job is written in just a few short verses, those of which I wrote out at the beginning of the post. Job was a man of God. He had everything you could ever want in bible times....children, family, a home, livestock. Satan however decided to come on the scene and attempt to rock the world in which Job lived. Through his endeavors he managed to take away everything that Job had worked for. Everything that meant anything to him. While most people would scream, cry, blame God, blame the Universe for their unfortunate circumstances, Job worshiped. He praised God. He fell on his face and worshiped the Lord for the things he had given to him and the things he had taken away from him. We know that realistically, most of us do not act in such a way when something bad happens. We question God. We get angry. We ask why. We cry and wallow in self pity. We do so many things except what Job did. Often times we find it difficult or impossible to praise him through a storm, We sit stone faced and silent in a church service that so many are freely worshipping because we do not feel we have anything to praise him for in that moment....oh but we do.
March was an exciting time for our little family. We finally placed our house on the market in hopes that we would be able to purchase a new home to grow and make memories in. We never expected we would have someone to be interested so soon. Two weeks after we placed it for sale, we had an eager, determined, and very potential buyer come to look at our home. Mind you, the house we were looking to buy, was getting ready to be placed with a real estate company, so we knew we needed to act fast before that happened, but realistically, we figured we would end up having to search out another home. Documents were exchanged, banks were contacted, we had a buyer! Little did I know, the following weekend, our buyer would change their mind. I was heartbroken. We were so close. I wanted to be angry, but I knew that the person was trying to follow the will for their own life, and our house just wasn't part of that. I was on the brink of giving up. Taking the sign out of the yard, and just being done. Why go through this? There is no way we will find a buyer before the next week when that house goes with a real estate company, and the price increases. I wanted to ask why? People always say "God has a plan" "God knows what is best" etc. etc. Sometimes however, it is hard to put away our selfish desires and understand that God truly is looking out for us and has a reason for everything. Little did I know what was around the corner....BUT GOD! That very night that our buyer cancelled, a new potential buyer came to our home to look at it. The next week an offer was made. The following weeks preparations were made for selling our house, and buying the house we had our eye on for quite some time. It was finally happening! Closing dates were set for May 23rd. Finally! God was blessing us with something we had wanted for some time.
God works in ways that I do understand all of the time. I'm not supposed to understand but still yet it's hard not to wonder. On April 13th, amid the hustle and bustle of packing boxes to move, making preparations for our home purchase, and juggling work and a family....we found out we were pregnant. I was shocked...elated....scared....excited. A long list of emotions really that I can't put into words. While I had been wanting a baby since my health scare last September, it hadn't happened yet and I honestly wasn't expecting it to happen then either. Especially in the middle of so much going on. But it did. It seemed too good to be true! God was blessing us with a new home, a new baby...how much better does it get? Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I learned just as quickly I was miscarrying this baby. What was supposed to be a blessing quickly turned to grief and quite a painful experience. I had never experienced a miscarriage before. I was so angry. I remember sitting in an empty sanctuary the day I found out I would soon miscarry with a very close friend from church. She listened as I sat on that first pew looking to that cross behind the pulpit, wondering what I had done. Why was I being punished? Why would God do this? I had such feelings of anger. It wasn't a good place to be in but I yearned that day to come into my sanctuary, my church, and fall on my face before God. I needed to feel him. I needed peace. In the coming days God would bring me peace. He would also bring me answers...once again...we don't always know what's best for us. We don't always know what's around the bend.
It was later I would realize why God had allowed that miscarriage to take place. So much was getting ready to take place. On May 5th, a Thursday, William called me at school to tell me he was taking his dad to the emergency room. He had been battling pneumonia for a couple of weeks and just wasn't getting better. Today it had reached a point in which he could no longer handle at home. Within the next few days of being admitted to the hospital, we learned that my father-in-law had stage 4 lung cancer. Weeks to months to live. I know what it felt like to me when I heard the words but I still cannot imagine the pain that my husband was feeling. After 19 days in the hospital and ICU, the doctors told us there wasn't much else they could do. His pneumonia was getting worse, and the fluid was rapidly filling his lungs. We decided that we would move him to the hospice home of Dobson where he could be more comfortable.
On May 22nd, we moved into our new home. I was torn on how we would make this happen. How were we going to move Williams dad and ourselves the same day? God answered that question when a convoy of vehicles pulled up after church that Sunday to help us move. Our church family as well as some family members and close friends moved us from our old house into our new house in about two and a half hours. I don't remember picking up much or touching very much that day. I stood in the hallway with William before we left our old house with tears running down my face. I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of people. The love that was being shown to us. We felt God so much that day and in the days that were ahead.
That week we really didn't know how to answer when people asked us how we were enjoying our new home. William had yet to sit down in our house. He was simply sleeping at the new house, because the day after we moved, William's dad was taken to the hospice home. He spent the next few days there. 21 days from the day William took him to the hospital, he passed away. Two days after taking him to the hospice home, he went to be with the Lord. On May 23rd we closed on our new home. On May 26th, Buster entered his new heavenly home.
Death is hard. Grieving is harder. I still don't know what my husband is going through because I have never been there. His dad was his best friend. I've been there to listen, comfort, and hold his hand, but that's all I can do. I have been so humbled and in awe of how he has handled himself. Through the storm, he has still been able to give God glory and praise. We have have seen the hand of God move through William's dad passing away. The testimony of our faith and the testimony of our church has been so evident. People have asked us about our church. It has given us an opportunity to tell about how God worked in our lives the last couple of months. We are able to share with people how we are still able to stand. How we are still able to talk about the Goodness of the Lord through so much pain in our lives. A door has been opened for us to share with others. Our faith in God is stronger. Our love for our church is greater. Our bond as husband and wife is deeper. God has been good even in the valley.
And all of that brings me here. As I sit now with the tears you won't see, I can still praise him. I have a peace this week that before I didn't truly have. This week, just yesterday, we experienced another miscarriage. I felt all of those feelings once again about being pregnant. This time would be different. It was a new beginning. A fresh start for us in our new home. A happy moment in a sea of so much pain lately. God has a different plan though. This time I'm not angry. I'm not questioning God. Looking back over the past few months, he has been good to us. He has directed my paths and had his hand on my family. He has allowed pain but he has also given peace and guidance. He has brought us through all of that, to bring us here. Where we are right now is no accident. It's part of where we are going. He knows my heart and my desires and I have faith that he will make those desires of my heart reality. While I'm waiting for that door to open, I will praise him in the hallway.
So when you hear the phrase "Bad Things Happen to Good People"....yes....they do. All the time. You can't ever appreciate the mountains in life if you never have the valleys. You can't ever see the greatness and the richness of God if you haven't ever seen him work through the low times. We are all still here. We are breathing and living and allowed to wake up again this morning. All because God has brought us out of many valleys. Choose to be a Job. Choose praise. Choose to thank him and worship him even for hard times.
Job is a pretty remarkable man in the bible. I honestly had never read very much of the book of Job but it truly is an amazing book to read, especially when you are experiencing hardships or struggle. I haven't been able to get away from it the past few months. The first chapter pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the book. All you need to know about Job is written in just a few short verses, those of which I wrote out at the beginning of the post. Job was a man of God. He had everything you could ever want in bible times....children, family, a home, livestock. Satan however decided to come on the scene and attempt to rock the world in which Job lived. Through his endeavors he managed to take away everything that Job had worked for. Everything that meant anything to him. While most people would scream, cry, blame God, blame the Universe for their unfortunate circumstances, Job worshiped. He praised God. He fell on his face and worshiped the Lord for the things he had given to him and the things he had taken away from him. We know that realistically, most of us do not act in such a way when something bad happens. We question God. We get angry. We ask why. We cry and wallow in self pity. We do so many things except what Job did. Often times we find it difficult or impossible to praise him through a storm, We sit stone faced and silent in a church service that so many are freely worshipping because we do not feel we have anything to praise him for in that moment....oh but we do.
March was an exciting time for our little family. We finally placed our house on the market in hopes that we would be able to purchase a new home to grow and make memories in. We never expected we would have someone to be interested so soon. Two weeks after we placed it for sale, we had an eager, determined, and very potential buyer come to look at our home. Mind you, the house we were looking to buy, was getting ready to be placed with a real estate company, so we knew we needed to act fast before that happened, but realistically, we figured we would end up having to search out another home. Documents were exchanged, banks were contacted, we had a buyer! Little did I know, the following weekend, our buyer would change their mind. I was heartbroken. We were so close. I wanted to be angry, but I knew that the person was trying to follow the will for their own life, and our house just wasn't part of that. I was on the brink of giving up. Taking the sign out of the yard, and just being done. Why go through this? There is no way we will find a buyer before the next week when that house goes with a real estate company, and the price increases. I wanted to ask why? People always say "God has a plan" "God knows what is best" etc. etc. Sometimes however, it is hard to put away our selfish desires and understand that God truly is looking out for us and has a reason for everything. Little did I know what was around the corner....BUT GOD! That very night that our buyer cancelled, a new potential buyer came to our home to look at it. The next week an offer was made. The following weeks preparations were made for selling our house, and buying the house we had our eye on for quite some time. It was finally happening! Closing dates were set for May 23rd. Finally! God was blessing us with something we had wanted for some time.
God works in ways that I do understand all of the time. I'm not supposed to understand but still yet it's hard not to wonder. On April 13th, amid the hustle and bustle of packing boxes to move, making preparations for our home purchase, and juggling work and a family....we found out we were pregnant. I was shocked...elated....scared....excited. A long list of emotions really that I can't put into words. While I had been wanting a baby since my health scare last September, it hadn't happened yet and I honestly wasn't expecting it to happen then either. Especially in the middle of so much going on. But it did. It seemed too good to be true! God was blessing us with a new home, a new baby...how much better does it get? Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I learned just as quickly I was miscarrying this baby. What was supposed to be a blessing quickly turned to grief and quite a painful experience. I had never experienced a miscarriage before. I was so angry. I remember sitting in an empty sanctuary the day I found out I would soon miscarry with a very close friend from church. She listened as I sat on that first pew looking to that cross behind the pulpit, wondering what I had done. Why was I being punished? Why would God do this? I had such feelings of anger. It wasn't a good place to be in but I yearned that day to come into my sanctuary, my church, and fall on my face before God. I needed to feel him. I needed peace. In the coming days God would bring me peace. He would also bring me answers...once again...we don't always know what's best for us. We don't always know what's around the bend.
It was later I would realize why God had allowed that miscarriage to take place. So much was getting ready to take place. On May 5th, a Thursday, William called me at school to tell me he was taking his dad to the emergency room. He had been battling pneumonia for a couple of weeks and just wasn't getting better. Today it had reached a point in which he could no longer handle at home. Within the next few days of being admitted to the hospital, we learned that my father-in-law had stage 4 lung cancer. Weeks to months to live. I know what it felt like to me when I heard the words but I still cannot imagine the pain that my husband was feeling. After 19 days in the hospital and ICU, the doctors told us there wasn't much else they could do. His pneumonia was getting worse, and the fluid was rapidly filling his lungs. We decided that we would move him to the hospice home of Dobson where he could be more comfortable.
On May 22nd, we moved into our new home. I was torn on how we would make this happen. How were we going to move Williams dad and ourselves the same day? God answered that question when a convoy of vehicles pulled up after church that Sunday to help us move. Our church family as well as some family members and close friends moved us from our old house into our new house in about two and a half hours. I don't remember picking up much or touching very much that day. I stood in the hallway with William before we left our old house with tears running down my face. I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of people. The love that was being shown to us. We felt God so much that day and in the days that were ahead.
That week we really didn't know how to answer when people asked us how we were enjoying our new home. William had yet to sit down in our house. He was simply sleeping at the new house, because the day after we moved, William's dad was taken to the hospice home. He spent the next few days there. 21 days from the day William took him to the hospital, he passed away. Two days after taking him to the hospice home, he went to be with the Lord. On May 23rd we closed on our new home. On May 26th, Buster entered his new heavenly home.
Death is hard. Grieving is harder. I still don't know what my husband is going through because I have never been there. His dad was his best friend. I've been there to listen, comfort, and hold his hand, but that's all I can do. I have been so humbled and in awe of how he has handled himself. Through the storm, he has still been able to give God glory and praise. We have have seen the hand of God move through William's dad passing away. The testimony of our faith and the testimony of our church has been so evident. People have asked us about our church. It has given us an opportunity to tell about how God worked in our lives the last couple of months. We are able to share with people how we are still able to stand. How we are still able to talk about the Goodness of the Lord through so much pain in our lives. A door has been opened for us to share with others. Our faith in God is stronger. Our love for our church is greater. Our bond as husband and wife is deeper. God has been good even in the valley.
And all of that brings me here. As I sit now with the tears you won't see, I can still praise him. I have a peace this week that before I didn't truly have. This week, just yesterday, we experienced another miscarriage. I felt all of those feelings once again about being pregnant. This time would be different. It was a new beginning. A fresh start for us in our new home. A happy moment in a sea of so much pain lately. God has a different plan though. This time I'm not angry. I'm not questioning God. Looking back over the past few months, he has been good to us. He has directed my paths and had his hand on my family. He has allowed pain but he has also given peace and guidance. He has brought us through all of that, to bring us here. Where we are right now is no accident. It's part of where we are going. He knows my heart and my desires and I have faith that he will make those desires of my heart reality. While I'm waiting for that door to open, I will praise him in the hallway.
So when you hear the phrase "Bad Things Happen to Good People"....yes....they do. All the time. You can't ever appreciate the mountains in life if you never have the valleys. You can't ever see the greatness and the richness of God if you haven't ever seen him work through the low times. We are all still here. We are breathing and living and allowed to wake up again this morning. All because God has brought us out of many valleys. Choose to be a Job. Choose praise. Choose to thank him and worship him even for hard times.