It's here. The day I have dreaded since June 5th is finally and officially here. Tomorrow I will walk back through the large steel doors, walk down the brightly colored hallways and newly waxed floors, and into my 5th grade classroom. When I use the word dread, it isn't in correlation to my job, my students, or the people I work with. In fact, it is with great enthusiasm that I go back to a job that I love, coworkers that I have amazing friendships with, and outstanding children that enjoy learning. I couldn't ask for a better work environment, better people to work with, or better kids. That aspect of tomorrow gives me an excitement for a new school year.
The dread I feel is one in response to sending my baby back to school five days a week. The dread of rushing around each evening to make sure everything runs smoothly at home, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, scurrying this way and that. The dread of missing out on the quality time I have been able to relish in this summer with Camdyn.
It's funny really how time changes you. Events change you. Circumstances change you. Since having Camdyn, people have asked me, "Don't you wish you were a stay at home mom?" My always solid response was NO. A no that never has waivered. I've always referred to myself as a working Mama. A mama that is better when she's working. Honestly, I admire women who stay at home with their children, sometimes even questioning how or why they chose it. I have never been able to envision myself as a parent who stays home...until today.
For some reason, all I have thought of today, is the sweet memories and the quickly passing days I have had with Camdyn this summer. We have had sunshine filled pool days, girls days where we got our nails done and finished off with shopping, immeasurable amounts of ice cream, movie dates, trampoline parks, children's museums, beach trips, and park visits. We stayed on the go most of the summer, but the things I reminisced most about today were all the laughs, the giggles, the hugs, the kisses, the whispers of I love you in my ear, the tickles, the conversations, the singing, and the growing. Yes, the growing. I have grown as a mother this summer just as Camdyn has grown as a child. I have spent more time enjoying the little moments. I have allowed my clock to stand still in order to enjoy every last second of motherhood. I have ignored messy floors instead of carrying my dust pan and broom behind her every step of the way. I've had picnics on the living room floor instead of insisting on kitchen table meals. I have sprayed stain remover on dirty clothes instead of discouraging playing in the dirt. I have let bedtime slip away instead of rushing to keep a schedule and routine. I've let her dress herself in mismatched clothing instead of insisting on dresses and bows. Laying my anxieties and compulsive nature aside at times, I've enjoyed watching her be a kid this summer. I have enjoyed being a Mommy.
God has a way of showing and revealing things to us. Sometimes it's a hard lesson. One that is difficult to swallow. One that makes us uncomfortable. Just as easily as he allowed me to receive positive test results this week, he could have allowed the opposite to be the case. Instead of enjoying the contentment of knowing what I have right now is not cancer, I could be worrying over the opposite. It's time to slow down. It's time to feel every moment while I'm in it. It's time to let the little things slide and capture the big things in memories. It's time for me to respect this life the Lord has given me, that he can so easily take away, and enjoy, truly enjoy, my child and my family.
Don't ask me right now if I want to be a stay-at-home-mom. Tears will probably flow, a break down will be imminently close and without hesitation, the answer would be yes. What I wouldn't give to spend my days with my sweet girl. Enjoying her cuddles, made up songs, bear hugs, and sloppy kisses. Am I even the same person I was three years ago? Even 6 months ago?
I think the day was summed up pretty accurately. As we sat in church this evening, Camdyn's arms wrapped around my neck, I whispered in her ear, "I am going to miss you so much tomorrow. I might cry! I have had so much fun being at home with you." Camdyn responded without a moment's hesitation, "Mama, it will be okay. I will pray for you!" And that is just what we will do. I'll pray for myself and other mommies that must go to work, and pray for the sweet children who must go to school or daycare in the next week or so. I pray that each mother will savor the moments, big and small, protect the time they have with their families by building a hedge around them, and enjoy each second of motherhood, whether at home or working. The laundry can wait, dinner doesn't have to be a four course, and those floors will still be sticky tomorrow....and the next day. Time is fleeting and moments won't last forever. Enjoy and embrace!
The dread I feel is one in response to sending my baby back to school five days a week. The dread of rushing around each evening to make sure everything runs smoothly at home, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, scurrying this way and that. The dread of missing out on the quality time I have been able to relish in this summer with Camdyn.
It's funny really how time changes you. Events change you. Circumstances change you. Since having Camdyn, people have asked me, "Don't you wish you were a stay at home mom?" My always solid response was NO. A no that never has waivered. I've always referred to myself as a working Mama. A mama that is better when she's working. Honestly, I admire women who stay at home with their children, sometimes even questioning how or why they chose it. I have never been able to envision myself as a parent who stays home...until today.
For some reason, all I have thought of today, is the sweet memories and the quickly passing days I have had with Camdyn this summer. We have had sunshine filled pool days, girls days where we got our nails done and finished off with shopping, immeasurable amounts of ice cream, movie dates, trampoline parks, children's museums, beach trips, and park visits. We stayed on the go most of the summer, but the things I reminisced most about today were all the laughs, the giggles, the hugs, the kisses, the whispers of I love you in my ear, the tickles, the conversations, the singing, and the growing. Yes, the growing. I have grown as a mother this summer just as Camdyn has grown as a child. I have spent more time enjoying the little moments. I have allowed my clock to stand still in order to enjoy every last second of motherhood. I have ignored messy floors instead of carrying my dust pan and broom behind her every step of the way. I've had picnics on the living room floor instead of insisting on kitchen table meals. I have sprayed stain remover on dirty clothes instead of discouraging playing in the dirt. I have let bedtime slip away instead of rushing to keep a schedule and routine. I've let her dress herself in mismatched clothing instead of insisting on dresses and bows. Laying my anxieties and compulsive nature aside at times, I've enjoyed watching her be a kid this summer. I have enjoyed being a Mommy.
God has a way of showing and revealing things to us. Sometimes it's a hard lesson. One that is difficult to swallow. One that makes us uncomfortable. Just as easily as he allowed me to receive positive test results this week, he could have allowed the opposite to be the case. Instead of enjoying the contentment of knowing what I have right now is not cancer, I could be worrying over the opposite. It's time to slow down. It's time to feel every moment while I'm in it. It's time to let the little things slide and capture the big things in memories. It's time for me to respect this life the Lord has given me, that he can so easily take away, and enjoy, truly enjoy, my child and my family.
Don't ask me right now if I want to be a stay-at-home-mom. Tears will probably flow, a break down will be imminently close and without hesitation, the answer would be yes. What I wouldn't give to spend my days with my sweet girl. Enjoying her cuddles, made up songs, bear hugs, and sloppy kisses. Am I even the same person I was three years ago? Even 6 months ago?
I think the day was summed up pretty accurately. As we sat in church this evening, Camdyn's arms wrapped around my neck, I whispered in her ear, "I am going to miss you so much tomorrow. I might cry! I have had so much fun being at home with you." Camdyn responded without a moment's hesitation, "Mama, it will be okay. I will pray for you!" And that is just what we will do. I'll pray for myself and other mommies that must go to work, and pray for the sweet children who must go to school or daycare in the next week or so. I pray that each mother will savor the moments, big and small, protect the time they have with their families by building a hedge around them, and enjoy each second of motherhood, whether at home or working. The laundry can wait, dinner doesn't have to be a four course, and those floors will still be sticky tomorrow....and the next day. Time is fleeting and moments won't last forever. Enjoy and embrace!