Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” - John 13:7
I find myself screaming sometimes inside my head. The words? Why? Why this situation? Why me? Why...why...why. Why do things have to fall apart before they come together? Why do I have to endure these feelings in order to get to those feelings? Why do I have to have this hardship to get that blessing.So.many.questions.
A lot of times, I don't have answers. I pray and ask for guidance and wisdom, and then the wind knocks my sails again. The current drags me under, and I'm reaching out for anything to help pull me out of the crashing waves.
I've had to remind myself over and over today that I.have.no.control.
I can't control situations that are difficult. I can't control others actions. I can't control the inevitable. I can't control what will happen tomorrow, or the next day. The bottom line is that I can't let them define me. I can only control my own actions and words, and even God has some control over those. He knows my thoughts before I do.
Trust not in thine own understanding. How hard is that to do?? Seriously, I can make a mountain out of a molehill due to MY understanding. I can create an incorrect self image from what I understand to be true. My understanding leads to self destruction, self pity, doubt, and anxiety.
My mind is all over the place tonight...but I guess what I am learning to realize is that I won't or can't start to understand why things happen the way they do. One day, maybe I will. Or maybe it will still be a mystery. Questioning God isn't going to give me that understanding any sooner. Repetitively asking why won't get me answers. II am instructed to trust in God and believe that he has a purpose for everything. A purpose for the hurt, the pain, the questions, the heartaches, the failures...all of it....not only bad but good situations too. Whether it's unfolded to me or not, I cannot try to make an explanation myself.
Maybe we will understand it better by and by...