I left home this morning and there was not the usual amount of cars on the road. I pulled into am empty parking lot at school and walked into a very sterile and quiet school building. Instead of the smells of breakfast in the cafeteria and fresh printed paper or laminating, the smell of Clorox, anxiety, and fear filled the halls. The hustle and bustle that you normally hear as teachers prepare for their day and the high fiving and hugs happening in doorways wasn't present. I've been nervous, I've been anxious...afraid...and worried....but today brought it all into a reality I wasn't prepared for.
I'm often excited for a "break" from school to spend time with my family, take trips, and enjoy the quietness for a bit. I've had people say "I bet you are glad school is out" or "I guess you get a vacation". This isn't a vacation. I'm not off work. I'm trying to keep connected to my students and families, plan for the days ahead if instruction can't take place in the classroom, scramble to provide learning opportunities, be sure my own family stays healthy (and sane!). I'm worrying about those students who don't have the resources they need like those basic needs of food. I worry about those who don't have a parent to stay home with them and must be shuttled here or there. I worry that they too are worrying and afraid and my heart and mind are non stop.
Today and the next two or however many weeks is different in so many ways. I've never wanted my kids in my classroom more than I did today. I've never wanted to read that book, teach place value, or build Leprechaun traps more than I did today. My classroom felt empty and dark. Just Friday it was buzzing and lively with first graders and today it's not. All I felt, all day, was darkness. I told someone, it felt like a movie I was watching, not starring in. Just so surreal.
On the way home, I turned up the radio and tried to turn off my thoughts. This song began to play. I encourage you to read the lyrics all the way through. I've thought all day about how God has all of this in his hands, so why can't I just trust him? He knew about this unfolding of events before we did. He knew before this virus was spoken into existence. Why? We may never know. But I truly believe how we respond as a nation, a community, a family will make a difference. My principal so eloquently said today, "I wish my faith was so big that I didn't worry." How true this is. Even with the biggest heart of faith, there is still the ounce of worry. As a Christian, I have the promise of so much more than what is happening right now. I have the opportunity to share Christ's love in this darkness I've felt so much today. HE is the only hope we have in this chaos and confusion.
I Will Fear No More
Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust you Lord
I will fear no more
I will lift my eyes I will lift my cares
Lay them in Your hands I'll leave them there
When the wind and waves are coming You shelter me
Even though I'm in the storm the storm is not in me
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You Lord
I will Fear No More
I will fear no more
I will fear no more
No power can come against me
Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
Cause You've already won
No power can come against me
Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
Cause You've already won
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You Lord
I will fear no more
I will fear no more
I will fear no more
I will fear no more
I will fear no more
I'm often excited for a "break" from school to spend time with my family, take trips, and enjoy the quietness for a bit. I've had people say "I bet you are glad school is out" or "I guess you get a vacation". This isn't a vacation. I'm not off work. I'm trying to keep connected to my students and families, plan for the days ahead if instruction can't take place in the classroom, scramble to provide learning opportunities, be sure my own family stays healthy (and sane!). I'm worrying about those students who don't have the resources they need like those basic needs of food. I worry about those who don't have a parent to stay home with them and must be shuttled here or there. I worry that they too are worrying and afraid and my heart and mind are non stop.
Today and the next two or however many weeks is different in so many ways. I've never wanted my kids in my classroom more than I did today. I've never wanted to read that book, teach place value, or build Leprechaun traps more than I did today. My classroom felt empty and dark. Just Friday it was buzzing and lively with first graders and today it's not. All I felt, all day, was darkness. I told someone, it felt like a movie I was watching, not starring in. Just so surreal.
On the way home, I turned up the radio and tried to turn off my thoughts. This song began to play. I encourage you to read the lyrics all the way through. I've thought all day about how God has all of this in his hands, so why can't I just trust him? He knew about this unfolding of events before we did. He knew before this virus was spoken into existence. Why? We may never know. But I truly believe how we respond as a nation, a community, a family will make a difference. My principal so eloquently said today, "I wish my faith was so big that I didn't worry." How true this is. Even with the biggest heart of faith, there is still the ounce of worry. As a Christian, I have the promise of so much more than what is happening right now. I have the opportunity to share Christ's love in this darkness I've felt so much today. HE is the only hope we have in this chaos and confusion.
I Will Fear No More
Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust you Lord
I will fear no more
I will lift my eyes I will lift my cares
Lay them in Your hands I'll leave them there
When the wind and waves are coming You shelter me
Even though I'm in the storm the storm is not in me
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You Lord
I will Fear No More
I will fear no more
I will fear no more
No power can come against me
Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
Cause You've already won
No power can come against me
Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
Cause You've already won
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You Lord
I will fear no more
I will fear no more
I will fear no more
I will fear no more
I will fear no more