This is one that won't be pretty. If you are looking for one of Courtney's warm and fuzzy, inspirational, "you got this mama" blog posts, go ahead and exit now. Although you may find some ray of hope at the end. Today is just not a feel good, warm and fuzzy day.
It's been coming. I've felt it a little more each day of this new adventure we now call life, but today I'm feeling like a wheel has fallen off the wagon. Like the puzzle pieces just aren't fitting together anymore. Like my Granny would have said, for lack of better terms, "a fart in a whirlwind". I'm just not myself.
Today is day 45 of quarantine. Yes I've kept count. In my mind it looks like the tally marks on a cave wall in some foreign land from a prisoner locked away. I've been out of the house less than 10 times. 8 out of those 10 times I stayed in my van and only did a grocery pickup or a drive through at school. I've obeyed the stay at home order, did as was recommended for the health of myself and my children, and sheltered at home, while my husband continues to work outside of the home. I'm working from home, balancing homeschooling with Camdyn, and potty training a three year old T-rex. Not saying I'm alone, because so many of you are doing the same, and kudos to you ALL.
When people talk about anxiety and depression, a lot of times it's taken lightly or jokingly. "Oh I need my nerve pills", "My nerves are shot!", "My anxiety is through the roof". But for those with TRUE anxiety and depression this has got to be one of the worst times ever. I've had both pretty much my entire life and have been medicated since age 15 and there have been times (such as after the birth of my babies, during stressful times, etc.) that it was worse, but this may take the cake. My brain won't shut off. I worry about things constantly and I'm just down. I'm in a funk. I know, I know. Some of you are thinking: She sure doesn't look sad or in a funk on all those tik tok videos she's made the last two weeks. I'll just say this: If I don't FORCE myself to laugh, I'll cry. So thank you tik tok for bringing some laughter in this dark place.
I thrive off of my relationship with the Lord and my relationships with people. While I've prayed more the last 45 days than I ever did before and I know I'm not alone because God has me, I still just feel so lonely. So isolated and almost non human. I feel like I'm being held captive. I just need people. I need the laughter, the interaction with adults, adult conversation, church, hustle and bustle, routine. My anxiety feeds off of things being out of routine and so this...this has me feeling like trying to find my way out of a maze with no exit.
And here's the really ugly part. The part that a lot of you are feeling probably but are afraid to verbalize. Some of you will say I'm not thankful or grateful for what I have and who I share it with, and some of you will agree with all of this but secretly because it's going to be so taboo when I say it. BUT here it is in all it's glory...I'm over being a maid, cook, housekeeper, snack fetcher, and everyone's Cinderella. I'm over teaching from home remotely because my heart is in my classroom with my kids. I'm over not feeling adequate or productive at home. Hear me out before you get your judgemental panties in a wad Karen.
YES I do all these things for my family even when I'm not quarantined to my house. I go to work and I feel useful and productive and then I come home and feel useful and productive and life is good. We have routine. I do all the things and do them well and I feel superwoman "ish". I do NOT feel those things right now. I feel like I'm not good for anything except slapping some food on a plate or mopping for the fifty millionth time this week or getting the snacks or doing the laundry. I feel like I'm a paid employee for my household. Everyone just looks to me for their next meal or clean underwear. Who cares if Mama is getting ready to lose her ever loving mind and needs 5 minutes of alone time or 5 minutes to see a new face. I feel like I've lost who I am. My identity. Does that even make sense? At one time I prayed to God that I could be a stay at home Mom. I totally see now why he never worked that out for me. It's not for me. I'm a much better Mama, working. I've heard people say that to me before and never really got it but my kids get the best of me when I'm able to do what I love part of the day and do what I love with them the other part of the day. The aren't getting the best me right now. They are getting the stressed out, working from home, trying to fit all the puzzle pieces together, Mama. The Mama who multitasks EVERYTHING and lets them have way more screen time than they should probably have right now, just so I can get all the things done. The Mama who fixes a frozen pizza the third day in a row for their lunch. The Mama who goes outside on the back deck and screams for ten seconds just to get it out. I just feel like I'm failing at all of it.
I pray each time I feel this. Today for example, I prayed while I steam mopped the floors because they were sticky and gross because I really wanted to be outside in my hammock reading a book or watching the kids play. I prayed while I cooked two meals today and did she dishes haphazardly before just deciding to throw them in the dishwasher instead. I prayed while I was on a zoom staff meeting and giving feedback to my students work because inside I just wished I was there in person to do those things. I prayed that God would help me feel thanks in my heart that I'm able to do these things, instead of resenting doing it or feeling like I'm not doing any of it to my high standards. Before, I felt like I did a decent job at all of it because it was more balanced I suppose. I could do anything but not everything. But now it's everything. And you can't do everything. It's all thrown together in one steaming heap and I just can't shovel it fast enough.
If you came here looking for some positive and encouraging help, and you stuck with me this long through all my rambling...here you go. After I gave the kids a bath tonight, God spoke and just said get it out. Get it out now and start over tomorrow. It felt almost like he was saying, "It's okay", "I'm here and I understand you are frustrated - but I have you". I was expecting to feel guilt or for him to punish me for feeling this way but I am quickly reminded of his grace. What perfect and amazing grace. I haven't felt at peace until I started writing this and getting it all out and realizing how crazy and irrational and hormonal I must sound.
I hope I'm not alone in my feelings. I texted a friend today just to make sure I wasn't the only one all up in my feelings today. She assured me I was not and had a day most comparable to my own. And it's totally okay if you don't feel like I do, or always feel joy and happiness and sunshine and butterflies over being able to be with your family all day long every day and doing all the wife and mama things. I applaud you for your wonderful ability to feel that all day every day. But those of you feeling like I am right now, just know that God's grace is sufficient. He will see us through and help us find the sunshine through the rain. Tomorrow is a new day. A new day with new messes and dirty laundry and food to cook....but it's a day my family and I are still alive and healthy and together. And so today, that has to be enough.
It's been coming. I've felt it a little more each day of this new adventure we now call life, but today I'm feeling like a wheel has fallen off the wagon. Like the puzzle pieces just aren't fitting together anymore. Like my Granny would have said, for lack of better terms, "a fart in a whirlwind". I'm just not myself.
Today is day 45 of quarantine. Yes I've kept count. In my mind it looks like the tally marks on a cave wall in some foreign land from a prisoner locked away. I've been out of the house less than 10 times. 8 out of those 10 times I stayed in my van and only did a grocery pickup or a drive through at school. I've obeyed the stay at home order, did as was recommended for the health of myself and my children, and sheltered at home, while my husband continues to work outside of the home. I'm working from home, balancing homeschooling with Camdyn, and potty training a three year old T-rex. Not saying I'm alone, because so many of you are doing the same, and kudos to you ALL.
When people talk about anxiety and depression, a lot of times it's taken lightly or jokingly. "Oh I need my nerve pills", "My nerves are shot!", "My anxiety is through the roof". But for those with TRUE anxiety and depression this has got to be one of the worst times ever. I've had both pretty much my entire life and have been medicated since age 15 and there have been times (such as after the birth of my babies, during stressful times, etc.) that it was worse, but this may take the cake. My brain won't shut off. I worry about things constantly and I'm just down. I'm in a funk. I know, I know. Some of you are thinking: She sure doesn't look sad or in a funk on all those tik tok videos she's made the last two weeks. I'll just say this: If I don't FORCE myself to laugh, I'll cry. So thank you tik tok for bringing some laughter in this dark place.
I thrive off of my relationship with the Lord and my relationships with people. While I've prayed more the last 45 days than I ever did before and I know I'm not alone because God has me, I still just feel so lonely. So isolated and almost non human. I feel like I'm being held captive. I just need people. I need the laughter, the interaction with adults, adult conversation, church, hustle and bustle, routine. My anxiety feeds off of things being out of routine and so this...this has me feeling like trying to find my way out of a maze with no exit.
And here's the really ugly part. The part that a lot of you are feeling probably but are afraid to verbalize. Some of you will say I'm not thankful or grateful for what I have and who I share it with, and some of you will agree with all of this but secretly because it's going to be so taboo when I say it. BUT here it is in all it's glory...I'm over being a maid, cook, housekeeper, snack fetcher, and everyone's Cinderella. I'm over teaching from home remotely because my heart is in my classroom with my kids. I'm over not feeling adequate or productive at home. Hear me out before you get your judgemental panties in a wad Karen.
YES I do all these things for my family even when I'm not quarantined to my house. I go to work and I feel useful and productive and then I come home and feel useful and productive and life is good. We have routine. I do all the things and do them well and I feel superwoman "ish". I do NOT feel those things right now. I feel like I'm not good for anything except slapping some food on a plate or mopping for the fifty millionth time this week or getting the snacks or doing the laundry. I feel like I'm a paid employee for my household. Everyone just looks to me for their next meal or clean underwear. Who cares if Mama is getting ready to lose her ever loving mind and needs 5 minutes of alone time or 5 minutes to see a new face. I feel like I've lost who I am. My identity. Does that even make sense? At one time I prayed to God that I could be a stay at home Mom. I totally see now why he never worked that out for me. It's not for me. I'm a much better Mama, working. I've heard people say that to me before and never really got it but my kids get the best of me when I'm able to do what I love part of the day and do what I love with them the other part of the day. The aren't getting the best me right now. They are getting the stressed out, working from home, trying to fit all the puzzle pieces together, Mama. The Mama who multitasks EVERYTHING and lets them have way more screen time than they should probably have right now, just so I can get all the things done. The Mama who fixes a frozen pizza the third day in a row for their lunch. The Mama who goes outside on the back deck and screams for ten seconds just to get it out. I just feel like I'm failing at all of it.
I pray each time I feel this. Today for example, I prayed while I steam mopped the floors because they were sticky and gross because I really wanted to be outside in my hammock reading a book or watching the kids play. I prayed while I cooked two meals today and did she dishes haphazardly before just deciding to throw them in the dishwasher instead. I prayed while I was on a zoom staff meeting and giving feedback to my students work because inside I just wished I was there in person to do those things. I prayed that God would help me feel thanks in my heart that I'm able to do these things, instead of resenting doing it or feeling like I'm not doing any of it to my high standards. Before, I felt like I did a decent job at all of it because it was more balanced I suppose. I could do anything but not everything. But now it's everything. And you can't do everything. It's all thrown together in one steaming heap and I just can't shovel it fast enough.
If you came here looking for some positive and encouraging help, and you stuck with me this long through all my rambling...here you go. After I gave the kids a bath tonight, God spoke and just said get it out. Get it out now and start over tomorrow. It felt almost like he was saying, "It's okay", "I'm here and I understand you are frustrated - but I have you". I was expecting to feel guilt or for him to punish me for feeling this way but I am quickly reminded of his grace. What perfect and amazing grace. I haven't felt at peace until I started writing this and getting it all out and realizing how crazy and irrational and hormonal I must sound.
I hope I'm not alone in my feelings. I texted a friend today just to make sure I wasn't the only one all up in my feelings today. She assured me I was not and had a day most comparable to my own. And it's totally okay if you don't feel like I do, or always feel joy and happiness and sunshine and butterflies over being able to be with your family all day long every day and doing all the wife and mama things. I applaud you for your wonderful ability to feel that all day every day. But those of you feeling like I am right now, just know that God's grace is sufficient. He will see us through and help us find the sunshine through the rain. Tomorrow is a new day. A new day with new messes and dirty laundry and food to cook....but it's a day my family and I are still alive and healthy and together. And so today, that has to be enough.