Last year on this very day, I felt like my world was falling apart. That sounds so cliche but that's exactly how it felt. I had lost one of the most precious people in my life. My sweet Granny left us for heaven and it's probably the hardest day of my life to date. One of the strongest, most capable, determined, Christian ladies I knew was no longer here. I felt like I was drowning. Dealing with my own feelings and then having to explain death to a three year old really wasn't something I was prepared for. I remember that night after I got settled in at home, I ate. I even remember WHAT I ate. I ate Oreos, Chips and Dip, and I think I even ate a slice of chocolate cake that someone had made for us. I just remember thinking that if I could just taste something satisfying that the pain would go away. I continued to eat. All of the weight I had lost the year prior was gained back during this year. The food masked feelings, pain, grief, and desperation. I was feeding all of the feelings that I had on the inside. Feeding them so that maybe the food would quieten them. Feeding them because I associated food with joy and happiness and celebration...I needed to feel all of those things instead of what I was feeling at the time.
Other things throughout the year happened. I was struggling with finding a church home. I had a medical scare. Other things happened as well. Meanwhile...I ate...for comfort.
None of the food that I pushed down comforted me. I was comforted when I finally found my church family and church home and brought my family into that new beginning. The food couldn't give me that.
I was comforted when God healed me and took away the tumor on my ovary just days before scheduled surgery. Food can't do that.
Today as I thought back to last year on this very day, I'll admit, I shed several tears. Actually, I wept. Memories flooded me...but my world was intact. It is still together. My comfort today was knowing it wasn't goodbye, because the Lord comforts me in knowing that one day we will be reunited. Food doesn't reunite.
Today, for the first time in a long while, food had no power over me. Food didn't comfort me, it didn't console me, it didn't make me happy, it didn't bring me joy. Today, food helped me to survive. Today, food was just food. It was just a necessity to keep going.
My comfort food today started with me sitting in my laundry room floor at 5:15 a.m. on my knees, in the dark and the quiet. My comfort was found in the prayers I prayed this morning in that very spot. My comfort food today was in my bible reading this morning with my morning coffee. Ironically enough, his comfort was found in Matthew 5:4, Blessed are they that mourn for they will be comforted. My comfort food today was in the cardinal I saw perched outside this evening on the birdhouse. Today, my feelings weren't fed by food. Today I conquered. Today I trusted in the Lord and he prevailed.
Other things throughout the year happened. I was struggling with finding a church home. I had a medical scare. Other things happened as well. Meanwhile...I ate...for comfort.
None of the food that I pushed down comforted me. I was comforted when I finally found my church family and church home and brought my family into that new beginning. The food couldn't give me that.
I was comforted when God healed me and took away the tumor on my ovary just days before scheduled surgery. Food can't do that.
Today as I thought back to last year on this very day, I'll admit, I shed several tears. Actually, I wept. Memories flooded me...but my world was intact. It is still together. My comfort today was knowing it wasn't goodbye, because the Lord comforts me in knowing that one day we will be reunited. Food doesn't reunite.
Today, for the first time in a long while, food had no power over me. Food didn't comfort me, it didn't console me, it didn't make me happy, it didn't bring me joy. Today, food helped me to survive. Today, food was just food. It was just a necessity to keep going.
My comfort food today started with me sitting in my laundry room floor at 5:15 a.m. on my knees, in the dark and the quiet. My comfort was found in the prayers I prayed this morning in that very spot. My comfort food today was in my bible reading this morning with my morning coffee. Ironically enough, his comfort was found in Matthew 5:4, Blessed are they that mourn for they will be comforted. My comfort food today was in the cardinal I saw perched outside this evening on the birdhouse. Today, my feelings weren't fed by food. Today I conquered. Today I trusted in the Lord and he prevailed.