I will be the first to admit that 9 out of 10 times my blog posts evolve from my crazy, obsessive, stressed out, anxious self. I don’t ever really feel the need to write when I’m happy and life is good. But when the tide turns and I feel overwhelmed, writing is the release. I’ve had to edit this post 523893737 times because the craziness started last month and it just keeps spiraling and spiraling and here we are. This is a hard one for me, maybe the hardest because of how transparent I feel right now.
By now, if you know me longer than 5 minutes or have read any of my blog posts, you know that my alter ego is “Anxiety Girl” {I like to envision a superhero with a cool cape but in reality she’s in some frumpy teacher outfit with chewed nails, picked skin, hair that falls out and a mind that n.e.v.e.r. stops thinking}. Anxiety Girl has recently advanced into Anxiety Woman - hear me roar...no...hear me hyperventilate.
There’s no other way to put it except a rut. Maybe it’s a canyon by this point. Im exhausted. I can’t list all of the things that have spiraled me into a nervous oblivion, but in the grand scheme of things we have had sickness, career changes, broken appliances, overwhelming work tasks, surgeries scheduled, panics over health insurance to cover said surgeries and then there are things that in the course of the month I’ve already forgotten (why then am I so stinkin crazy over things?) And right now you are reading this and saying “She is stressed over what?!” Yes I get it. There are people with things going on so so much worse than my mundane issues and I’m thankful for God’s grace on my life and my family’s. But when you are a person with anxiety, small things feel like HUGE things.
I’ve made myself sick, created neck and muscle issues from tension, clenched my jaw to the point it doesn’t want to open, and scratched/picked at my cuticles and skin til it’s bled. {that was difficult, because I know most of you are picturing some text book photo of someone who is clinically crazy}. My latest OCD tendencies include making sure no laundry is left in washer or dryer when I leave home. Everything must be put away before I leave or I will think about it constantly all day. I also have been spending the first 10 minutes when I come home rearranging things back to the way I want them. The folds of blankets in our living room causes me to come unglued. I could go on but someone out there would probably commit me. Ha! Perfection. It needs to be perfect. Everything needs to be perfect. It gets harder and harder to be me. Exhausting is not the word.
But again, why do I do this to myself when I won’t even remember it in a few weeks? Why do I feel like all of this has reached a peak? Or at least let’s hope it’s the peak because if this is just the start of the climb, I may need a few more ropes attached to help me up. I’m not sure of any answers here but what I am sure of is God and his grace and his mercy.
All the way home I kept hearing, “Therefore let tomorrow worry about itself”. Not any other words or any other version or any translation but those words. It was like someone had pressed repeat. I couldn’t have stopped it if I’d tried. It wasn’t until I pulled in the driveway that I realized it was the Lord speaking to me. Control. That’s my problem. I feel the need to control every aspect of my life. All of that is peachy except there are SO many things in life we cannot control and will never be able to. God is speaking, yelling, it seems this evening. Slow down. Quit running circles. Quit trying to do everything for everyone all the time. It’s okay to say no, it’s okay to not do the laundry. It will still be there tomorrow (I cannot believe I just wrote that - I cringe when people say that).
I don’t really have an ending to this blog post. Most of the time I have the ending in mind before I write the beginning but tonight I just ask for prayer. Prayer for a clear mind without all the junk. Prayer for feeling “normal” again (I use that term loosely). Prayer for rest and calm. But mostly I want to pray for you if you feel like this. You are not alone. It’s not a very enticing thing to discuss and it’s not easy to put yourself out there. But let’s just all let tomorrow worry about itself for today at least….
By now, if you know me longer than 5 minutes or have read any of my blog posts, you know that my alter ego is “Anxiety Girl” {I like to envision a superhero with a cool cape but in reality she’s in some frumpy teacher outfit with chewed nails, picked skin, hair that falls out and a mind that n.e.v.e.r. stops thinking}. Anxiety Girl has recently advanced into Anxiety Woman - hear me roar...no...hear me hyperventilate.
There’s no other way to put it except a rut. Maybe it’s a canyon by this point. Im exhausted. I can’t list all of the things that have spiraled me into a nervous oblivion, but in the grand scheme of things we have had sickness, career changes, broken appliances, overwhelming work tasks, surgeries scheduled, panics over health insurance to cover said surgeries and then there are things that in the course of the month I’ve already forgotten (why then am I so stinkin crazy over things?) And right now you are reading this and saying “She is stressed over what?!” Yes I get it. There are people with things going on so so much worse than my mundane issues and I’m thankful for God’s grace on my life and my family’s. But when you are a person with anxiety, small things feel like HUGE things.
I’ve made myself sick, created neck and muscle issues from tension, clenched my jaw to the point it doesn’t want to open, and scratched/picked at my cuticles and skin til it’s bled. {that was difficult, because I know most of you are picturing some text book photo of someone who is clinically crazy}. My latest OCD tendencies include making sure no laundry is left in washer or dryer when I leave home. Everything must be put away before I leave or I will think about it constantly all day. I also have been spending the first 10 minutes when I come home rearranging things back to the way I want them. The folds of blankets in our living room causes me to come unglued. I could go on but someone out there would probably commit me. Ha! Perfection. It needs to be perfect. Everything needs to be perfect. It gets harder and harder to be me. Exhausting is not the word.
But again, why do I do this to myself when I won’t even remember it in a few weeks? Why do I feel like all of this has reached a peak? Or at least let’s hope it’s the peak because if this is just the start of the climb, I may need a few more ropes attached to help me up. I’m not sure of any answers here but what I am sure of is God and his grace and his mercy.
All the way home I kept hearing, “Therefore let tomorrow worry about itself”. Not any other words or any other version or any translation but those words. It was like someone had pressed repeat. I couldn’t have stopped it if I’d tried. It wasn’t until I pulled in the driveway that I realized it was the Lord speaking to me. Control. That’s my problem. I feel the need to control every aspect of my life. All of that is peachy except there are SO many things in life we cannot control and will never be able to. God is speaking, yelling, it seems this evening. Slow down. Quit running circles. Quit trying to do everything for everyone all the time. It’s okay to say no, it’s okay to not do the laundry. It will still be there tomorrow (I cannot believe I just wrote that - I cringe when people say that).
I don’t really have an ending to this blog post. Most of the time I have the ending in mind before I write the beginning but tonight I just ask for prayer. Prayer for a clear mind without all the junk. Prayer for feeling “normal” again (I use that term loosely). Prayer for rest and calm. But mostly I want to pray for you if you feel like this. You are not alone. It’s not a very enticing thing to discuss and it’s not easy to put yourself out there. But let’s just all let tomorrow worry about itself for today at least….